Blog/4 min read
The Conversation Compass: Where to Go When a Conversation Stalls
Most of us know two moves in a conversation: ask the same kind of question again, or start talking about ourselves. Here is a simple map with more directions.
You know the moment. You asked how their weekend was. They said "good, quiet." You asked what they did. "Not much, just relaxed." And now you're both standing there, smiling a bit too long.
Usually that isn't because the other person is dull, or because you are. You've just run out of directions. Most of us only know two moves: ask another question of the same kind, or start talking about ourselves. Both stop working pretty quickly.
So it helps to picture a compass. Whatever the other person just said is the centre. From there you can go in four directions, and you can also turn the depth up or down.
The four directions
- North: forward. Where does this lead? "So what's next for the house?" "Are you planning to go back?"
- South: back. Where did this come from? "How did you end up doing that?" "Was it always like that?"
- East: sideways. Stay with the person and move to a nearby topic. "What else keeps you busy outside work?"
- West: zoom in. Pick one small, concrete moment. "What was the best part of the day?" "What was the strangest email you got?"
Four directions and a depth dial: forward, back, sideways or closer, plus three levels of depth.
And the depth dial
On top of that, you can turn the depth up or down. Think of three levels: what happened, what someone chose, and how it felt.
- Facts: "How long were you there?"
- Choices: "What made you choose Portugal?"
- Feelings and experiences: "What's the moment you keep thinking about?"
Facts are safe and a bit flat. Choices show a little more of the person. Feelings and experiences get closer, and they work much better once there's some trust. A good conversation moves up and down between them. If things get heavy, you can always go back up to facts.
Other ways a conversation can move
Changing direction or depth isn't the only option. You can stay with the same subject and still find something new to talk about.
| Dimension | Ways to move | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Time | Past, now or later | "Did you always want to live by the sea?" |
| Who it's about | Them, the people around them, the wider world | "How did your family react?" |
| Zoom | One small moment, or the bigger pattern | "Does that happen to you a lot?" |
| Hard and good parts | What was difficult, or what went well | "What was the part you enjoyed most?" |
| Open or specific | A wide question, or one with a clear hook | "What was the oddest thing that happened this year?" |
| Comfort | Keep going, or give them room | "Do you want to talk about this, or leave it for now?" |
These overlap, and you don't need to keep track of them while someone is talking. Listen to the answer, say something about it yourself, and use one of these moves when it helps. If someone seems uncomfortable, give them room rather than asking a more personal question.
Example 1: the weekend that was "quiet"
"How was your weekend?" "Good, quiet."
Asking about the same thing again ("What did you do?") gets you another "not much." Try a different direction:
- West: "Quiet sounds nice. What's your ideal lazy Sunday morning?"
- North: "Is that the plan for the coming weekend too, or something busier?"
Each of those gives them something easy to say yes to, and something they can actually picture.
Example 2: the colleague who "works in finance"
"What do you do?" "I'm in finance, nothing exciting."
Going straight down ("What exactly do you do in finance?") feels like an interview. Move sideways or back:
- South: "How did you end up in finance? Was that the plan?"
- East: "Fair enough. What do you do when you're not doing finance?"
Often the most interesting part of someone is right next to the topic they think is boring.
Example 3: when it gets too deep, too fast
Sometimes a conversation heads somewhere heavy that neither of you is ready for. The compass works both ways. You can turn the depth down without changing the subject: go back from experience to facts, or step sideways to something lighter. "That sounds like a lot. Are you getting any time off soon?" That isn't avoiding them. It just gives them some room.
You don't need clever questions
The point of the compass isn't to come up with brilliant questions. It's that you're never completely stuck. If one direction runs dry, you try another one. Back, forward, sideways or closer, and a bit deeper or a bit lighter.
Try it this week in one ordinary conversation. Notice which direction you always use, and try one you never do.
If you'd like to practise this step by step, the course Talking with People covers follow-up questions, depth and moving from small talk to something real. The first module is free.