The five pillars: a different way to read a conversation

Most conversation advice tells you what to do. This is about learning to see what's actually happening.

Sometimes a conversation seems to go well, yet leaves you dissatisfied. You both listened, asked questions and covered topics that mattered, but something still felt missing.

You couldn't say why. Neither could they, probably.

Advice about opening, continuing and ending conversations is useful, but it may not explain that feeling. This framework offers five things to look at when you want to understand why an exchange felt unsatisfying.

That's what this framework is for.

What communication theories tell us about everyday conversations

Communication theorists have been mapping the dimensions of conversation since at least the 1960s. Roman Jakobson, the linguist, identified six functions of language operating simultaneously in every utterance. Paul Watzlawick, working in family therapy, distinguished the content of a message from the relationship signal it carries. Friedemann Schulz von Thun in Germany synthesized these into a four-sides model: every message contains factual content, self-revelation, a relationship signal, and an appeal.

These theories describe several aspects of a message at once. To use them in an everyday conversation, it helps to turn those ideas into questions you can ask yourself.

The five-pillar framework below is a practical way to do that. It gives intention and attention their own place alongside information, emotion and connection.

Five pillars, each carrying a different part of the weight.

Five things to notice when a conversation feels off

The five pillars are intention, information, emotion, connection and attention. Their importance varies with the situation. Looking at each can help you work out what a conversation needs.

1. Intention, the Why

What is this conversation for? Are you both here for the same thing?

Different intentions can make a conversation difficult. One person wants to feel connected; the other wants to solve a problem. One wants to catch up; the other wants to network. One is thinking out loud; the other starts giving advice.

You may both be trying hard and still feel that you are talking past each other. Asking 'Would you like advice, or do you mainly want me to listen?' can clarify what the other person needs.

Fixes: mismatched goals, effortful conversations where neither person can quite say what's wrong, catch-ups that don't feel like catching up.

2. Information, the What

What is actually being exchanged?

This is the pillar most conversation advice focuses on and most people over-rely on. Facts, updates, opinions, questions, answers. The literal content of what's being said.

Sharing facts and updates is useful. But if you wanted to reconnect with someone, a conversation that stays entirely practical may leave you unsatisfied. Asking how something was for them can take you beyond the update.

Fixes: conversations that feel like status reports, over-reliance on topics as a substitute for engagement, "I don't know what to say" that really means "I don't know what facts to add."

3. Emotion, the How

What is being felt, and how is it being expressed?

Listen to the tone as well as the words. A normal-sounding answer may carry discomfort, while a detail about something they enjoy may come with noticeable enthusiasm.

Noticing those feelings helps you respond appropriately. You might give someone room to talk about a worry or ask more about something they are excited about.

Fixes: clinical interactions, missing when someone is uncomfortable or excited, being told the words but not hearing the register they were said in.

4. Connection, the Who

Are you relating to each other as specific people, or as roles?

You can speak to someone mainly in their role as a colleague, parent or customer, or make room for their individual experience. Remembering a previous conversation and asking about it is one way to make an exchange feel more personal.

Connection can be present in short interactions and absent in long ones. Two neighbors exchanging six words on the sidewalk can have more connection than two spouses discussing the week.

Fixes: robotic interactions, feeling interchangeable, conversations where you can't remember what the other person said an hour later because you never quite met them.

5. Attention, the Where

Are you actually here?

Attention is the pillar that determines whether any of the other four can work. When attention is elsewhere, on your phone, on your next meeting, on the story you're going to tell after they finish, the conversation is happening without you in it.

Being physically present is not always enough. You can look at someone while thinking about your next meeting or preparing your own story. If you notice that happening, return to what they are saying.

Fixes: distracted conversations, half-hearing what someone said, the specific pattern of "I don't know how to be present with people" that most modern life encourages.

What runs between two people while they talk.

What to try when a conversation feels unsatisfying

The tactical models in this work (REACH, CARE, SHOW) tell you what to do at specific moments. The pillars tell you what's happening across all your moves.

If a conversation feels off, take a moment to consider what is happening before changing the subject or trying another technique.

• Off in a way you can't name? Usually Intention. You're both trying to do different things.
• Feels hollow despite good topics? Usually Emotion or Connection missing.
• Feels efficient but forgettable? Information-heavy, other pillars low.
• Feels like the other person isn't really there? Attention (theirs, or yours).
• Feels transactional even with someone you care about? Connection at low weight, Information doing all the work.

Choose a small response that fits what you noticed. Clarify what the other person wants from the conversation, acknowledge a feeling, ask about something personal, or put away a distraction. Then see how they respond.

Starting, responding and sharing: REACH, CARE and SHOW

The pillars describe what a conversation is made of. REACH, CARE and SHOW are how you move through one.

REACH is heavily about Attention (Read) and Connection (Engage, Hold). It's the sequence for moving from noticing to talking to staying.

CARE is heavily about Emotion (Catch) and Connection (Aim, Respond, Extend). It's the mechanics of receiving what someone said in a way that meets them.

SHOW is heavily about Information (Specific) and Emotion (Honest). It's the mechanics of offering something substantive that the other person can receive.

Each model emphasises different parts of a conversation. The pillars can help you decide which skill you want to practise in a particular situation.

Choose the conversation skill you want to practise

The five pillars are not a replacement for the tactical models. They explain why those models work.

If you're the kind of person who learns by doing, the tactical models are your entry point. Use REACH, CARE, and SHOW to develop the specific skills. The pillars will click naturally as you practice.

If you're the kind of person who learns by understanding, the pillars are your entry point. See what a conversation actually is at a structural level. The tactical models will make sense as specific applications.

With practice, you can get better at noticing what a conversation needs while you are in it. That gives you a chance to adjust: listen a little longer, clarify a misunderstanding or ask a more relevant question.

Further reading and practice

For a closer look at responding, read how CARE helps you keep a conversation going. For the sharing part, see how to let someone get to know you in a conversation.

Want to explore where you tend to get stuck in conversations? Take the free social conversation test (3 minutes). For further practice in starting conversations, listening and sharing something about yourself, see the Talking with People course.