Better Observation: See What Is There, Not What You Think

A colleague sits in a meeting with his arms crossed. You think: he disagrees. Maybe he does. Maybe he is cold.

We jump to conclusions quickly. It saves time, but in conversations we are often wrong. And when you are wrong, you respond to something that is not there.

Seeing and filling in

Seeing is what you notice: crossed arms, a short sentence, a glance at the clock. Filling in is what you make of it: he is annoyed, she is bored, she wants to leave.

Both are normal. It goes wrong when you stop noticing the difference.

Look for changes

One signal says little. Someone who always sits with crossed arms is not telling you anything. What changes is more interesting:

• someone who suddenly talks faster
• a voice that goes quieter on one topic
• someone who was looking at you and now looks away

A change tells you something is going on. What exactly, you do not know yet.

Turn your conclusion into a question

This is where observing becomes useful. Instead of acting on your assumption, you check it. The structure is simple:

what you saw + an open question

• "You went a bit quiet at that point. How do you see it?"
• "You laughed when I said that. Does it sound familiar?"
• "You just checked your phone. Do you need to go soon?"

You name what you saw, without a judgement attached. The other person gets to say what it means.

Why this works

People feel seen when you notice something that is true. They feel misunderstood when you fill in something that is not. A question keeps you safe either way: if you are right, the conversation goes deeper. If you are wrong, you find out how it really is.

An exercise for this week

When you notice a signal in someone, say two sentences in your head. First: "I see..." Then: "I think...". Notice how often the second does not follow from the first.

Want to practise more? In Talking with People you learn step by step how to start and deepen conversations. Also read Nervous in Conversations? Look Outward, Not Inward.