Blog/5 min read

Do the small thing, not the right thing

Start with one small conversation today, even if you still feel unsure. The more often you do it, the easier it gets.

You've decided to do something about your social life. You've read about it, thought about it, maybe even picked the place you're going to go. Then an ordinary Tuesday comes along when you could actually do it, and you decide to leave it until next week.

You don't experience it as failure. You quietly put it off, and the week after that you do it again.

This can go on for years. You keep hoping you'll feel more comfortable by the time the next opportunity comes around, even though you haven't had any practice in between.

Why you keep putting off talking to people

You might blame yourself for being afraid, lazy, or not wanting it enough.

But you've probably done things that were much harder than saying hello: had difficult conversations at work, cared for a sick parent, moved cities, or ended a relationship. Calling yourself lazy doesn't explain why this particular small thing keeps getting postponed.

There are three reasons why putting it off can seem more appealing than giving it a try.

You can already picture the awkward moment. You imagine what saying hello might feel like, including those thirty uncomfortable seconds if the other person doesn't respond.

You don't see the opportunities you miss. When you stay quiet, you have no way of knowing whether a conversation might have led to a friendship. There's no obvious loss to notice.

Friendships take time to develop. Even a good first conversation doesn't tell you whether you'll become friends. Estimates suggest adults need around fifty hours together to form a casual friendship, and considerably more to become close. It can be hard to see what today's effort will lead to.

Together, these make postponing feel sensible. Knowing how to hold a conversation doesn't necessarily help when the awkwardness feels immediate and the possible friendship feels distant.

How missed chances for contact can add up

You may only notice the cost of missed opportunities much later.

Thomas Gilovich has spent much of his career studying regret. In 2018, he and Shai Davidai ran six studies asking people what they regretted. When participants named their single biggest regret, 76% described a failure to become the person they wanted to be, rather than something they had done and got wrong. Gilovich associated these regrets about the ideal self with things people had left undone.

Putting something off can feel perfectly sensible at the time. Years later, you may wish you'd taken the opportunity, even if it would have been awkward.

Skipping one conversation is easy to forget. Looking back on years of missed opportunities can feel quite different.

What research found about approaching strangers

In 2022, Gillian Sandstrom, Erica Boothby and Gus Cooney ran a week-long study in which participants had a daily mission to talk to a particular kind of stranger. Over the week, 1,336 conversations took place. Eighty-seven percent were with the first person the participant approached.

That figure tells us how often people managed to start a conversation. It doesn't tell us how well each conversation went, but it does show that approaching someone usually led to an exchange in this study.

An ordinary, low-stakes attempt may end with a short, polite exchange that goes nowhere. You might feel awkward afterwards. That possibility can loom large before you try.

The study is encouraging, even though it doesn't give you fixed odds for every situation. It's easy to overlook the possibility of a pleasant conversation when you're focused on what might feel uncomfortable.

How small conversations can build confidence

The Sandstrom study also tracked how participants felt as they kept practising.

Their worries about rejection diminished over the week, while their confidence in their conversational ability grew. By the end, they predicted fewer rejections than at the start. The control group, who only observed strangers, showed no change.

Participants began having conversations while they still had doubts. Over seven days of practice, they grew more confident.

You can begin while you're still unsure. Those first few conversations give you experience that waiting alone won't provide.

Start with one short conversation today

When you decide to improve your social life, you may think of joining a club, hosting a dinner, or getting back in touch with a friend you haven't seen for years.

These can be worthwhile, but they take planning, time and energy. If they feel too demanding today, it's easy to move them to next week.

A brief exchange needs much less preparation. Say something to the person at the counter. Ask your neighbour how the renovation is going. Answer "how was your weekend?" with a little more than "good, you?"

Small actions have three practical advantages.

You're more likely to follow through. A brief conversation gives you some practice. A more ambitious plan that you keep postponing gives you none.

Brief contact has been studied. Much of the research on talking to strangers, weak ties and daily social contact concerns short, low-stakes interactions. These studies have found measurable benefits from ordinary contact. They tell us less about the effects of occasional grand gestures.

You get repeated practice. In the week-long study, participants became less worried about rejection as they kept trying. A manageable daily action gives you more opportunities to practise than an occasional big plan.

Make a simple plan for when to say hello

Deciding in advance can spare you another round of hesitation when the opportunity comes.

Psychologists call this an implementation intention: a plan that specifies what you'll do and when. Peter Gollwitzer's work on this goes back to the early nineties. A meta-analysis he published with Paschal Sheeran in 2006 covered 94 independent studies. It found a medium-to-large effect on reaching goals (d = .65), including on getting started (d = .61).

Choose a situation you're likely to encounter and one thing you'll do there. For example:

When I'm in the queue at the coffee place, I'll say something to the person next to me.

When you're next in that queue, you have a simple plan to follow.

From a brief conversation to further contact

A week after the study ended, participants' improved attitudes were still in place. Around 40% had exchanged contact details with at least one person they'd talked to and followed up.

For some participants, those brief conversations led to further contact.

You don't need to feel confident before you begin. A brief conversation on a day when you'd rather stay quiet is still useful practice.

Try one small thing today: say hello, ask a question, or give a fuller answer when someone asks about your weekend.