Listening Between the Lines: How to Deepen a Conversation

"Work's fine," a friend says. But he says it a little too quickly, and he does not look up. You can move on to the next topic. Or you can stay with it for a moment.

The words are often the least interesting part of a conversation. How someone says something tells you more.

Three things to listen for

1. Pace. Where does someone speed up? Often when they are excited about something. Where do they slow down? Sometimes when something is hard.

2. Tone. Does the voice get warmer, flatter, quieter? A flat "fine" sounds different from a warm one.

3. Word choice. Which words keep coming back? Someone who says "actually" three times often has a second story. Someone who says "we" about their work may feel more at home there than someone who says "they".

One focused question

You do not have to hear all of this at once. It is about that one moment when something shifts. That is where you ask your question.

The structure: the detail you heard + an invitation to say more

• "You said 'actually pretty good'. What is in that actually?"
• "You sounded excited when you started on that project. What makes it fun?"
• "You said that pretty quickly. Is it really fine?"

It works the same with clients: "You have mentioned the timeline twice now. Is something going on there?"

Leave room

A question like this is often followed by a short silence. Do not fill it. The other person is thinking, and what comes next is usually the real answer.

When not to

Not every moment needs to go deeper. If someone clearly does not want to continue, let it rest. Good listening also means hearing when the door closes.

An exercise for this week

In your next conversation, listen for one moment when the tone or pace changes. Then ask one question about exactly that detail.

For conversations with clients, you work on this in Conversations That Sell. Also read The consultant as an antenna. For everyday conversations, there is Talking with People.